rescan

sorry

ugh

one more

everyone's doing it

yay

some prints

why the fuck do i even try

the past few days i've felt really weird. i think i forgot how to be me. maybe it's just 'cause i'm sick. i don't feel right.

well i'll bet you miss the sun

i don't love anyone

no no no no fears

i'm not gonna break
you keep tiptoeing around like i'm gonna break if you say the wrong thing
IM NOT GONNA BREAK
not today
not tomorrow
no fears





am i an awful person because i think the most beautiful song i've ever heard is lay lay off, faselam? i don't know how to deal with someone i like liking me and i think i wanna be a PRINT major

oh ohoho oh hohoohh oho ooooh

some stuff

the last day on earth

outside, the streets are too cold and white to put her foot down firmly and wander them in search of what it is that's gone off and left a hole in her throat. the sun pours in on the coffee stained mattress on the floor. in the one bit of shadow left on the bed made for a queen he's contorted himself into a snoring baby, turned and twisted to keep the sun out of his eyes; turned and twisted away from her. she watches his skin softly move with each breath under the grayish sheet they slept under last night. a smile's on his face but she knows it's not for her. she pretends, but she knows there's someone else he would have rather been with last night, but didn't have the heart to break hers. she's an outsider watching him, watching her life that seems to have all the answers to everyone and anyone who looks upon it, not too close so as not to see the cracks and shit smears.

they say  "you got it pretty good, kid."

they say  "everyone loves you," in that way that doesn't particularly include them. 

so what if they do?

if everyone in the world loved one person, but nobody told that one person, then that person would die alone.

what's worse?

to be shown that you are loved unconditionally by one person who loves other people as well, or for everyone to secretly love you, while their feeling you will never know? 

FUCK

IT FEELS LIKE MY UTERUS IS WRINGING OUT EVERY SINGLE BIT OF BLOOD AND NASTINESS THAT IS LEFT. I CANNOT KEEP ANY FOOD DOWN.

FUCK.

the things in my life (as of about a month ago)

my bathroom sick (oh yuckk)

my picture of a man i've never met/my brother's greatest life achievement 

my detailed diagram of things caused by continental glaciers signed by mr. a himself

my drawing table

my bed

20%

I bought a new skirt today (bought!). And I stole a sweater from Goodwill. My dad made a Good Will Hunting joke. Those Holly Golightly twats at Poor Little Rich Girl were playing the soundtrack to School of Rock. Mostly what pisses me off is they never say hi to anyone. So I went to the Garment District instead and Dollar a Pound was closed so I wept and spent $10 on a beautiful skirt made of jersey and love. The sweater I stole from Goodwill is yellow and mashed potatoes.  

Andrew Bird is ok. There are moments and things in his music that make me want to cry out of joy. Also Bowerbirds is wonderful, but both Bowerbirds and Andrew Bird have bird in their name and sound a little similar, like that same old indie music that sounds like feathers and breath and trees and sweat and the colours brown and olive green and the sound of beads in a wooden box. Which is great, but I've been so GO GO GADGET ELECTRONIC MUSIC lately that I forgot about this stuff and it's weird. And it all sounds the same, but I guess Electronic-y things sort of do, too. 

Ahhhh I forgot to eat anything today ahhhhhhhhhhh shit. 

also you're still on my ipod

you're still on my buddy list

Today I ate:

A lot of the colour red.

I found my Polaroid instant camera so now I can be the most pretentious of the hipsters. Only, the film costs $20 for 10 photos so Kathryn and I will get jobs as soon as we go back to school just to fund this film. And for lots of other reasons too. But mostly the film.

I like taking ugly pictures lately.

i'm afraid this calls for electro shock

 

happy birthday to me

i just got really scared because i think it's safe to say that i am one of the biggest music tapes fans if not like #1 and how often can you mostly confidently say that? 

my birthday was ok. i mean, better than it has been anyway. i'm rereading everything, but only after i finish the NMH book (i'm so sorry!) and i've decided that a drum machine is a great idea because when i'm at school i don't really have access to a drum kit and, although it sounded ok that one time, montserrat supplied dressers and other furniture aren't quite cutting it. 

today someone who is going to be a senior in some high school added me on facebook because they are in the summer program at montserrat now maybe? they added me and leah and kevin illwhateverican'tspellthatshit and i thought that was odd. maybe they thought i was someone involved with the summer program? because i am positive that kevin is involved with that and leah may be? but i am most certainly not, for some crazy reason.  and someone else who is going to be a senior at SHS who i have never interacted with added me today.  maybe like 17 year old girls decided i was really cool suddenly. 

the ketchup's on the table

today i've had to eat:

ginger ale 

i sided against the whole t-shirt thing. i put one on last night and i looked horrible and i think that's why i stopped wearing them in the first place. i'll stick to looking sort of like a stuck up bitch all the time. but don't you forget, i'm fucking nice. 

i stayed up really late working on songs and then deleted everything. not everything. but most of it. i hate music. and art. that fucking cat is still ruining that picture. i don't know how to get rid of it without turning the picture to shit. so i piled a bunch of clothes in front of my drafting table so that i couldn't even work on it if i wanted to. 

also i'm pretty sure my dad is violently throwing chairs around downstairs, and has been for the past hour and a half. 

i've never seen the matrix

today i ate a lot or what a normal person would consider a regular amount

i ate an omelet and english muffin for breakfast then i napped and when i woke up i ate a hamburger role with mayo and a plum. and just now i ate three pancakes.  

i'm sick of all my clothes. i'm sick of looking how i look. i haven't just wore a t-shirt and jeans in over a year. i haven't wore a t-shirt in forever. i'm going to put on a big floppy nirvana t-shirt and a skirt and take that mom

0,000 layers of onion hell 

just so you know

I'm fucking nice. And lovely and so goddamn quaint and don't you fucking forget it. 

fuck you and here's to me

I like the idea of being nineteen better than being 18 even though 8 is my favourite number and nine is odd and nineteen is odd and I should actually dislike this in every way. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe 18 was just a disappointing year and maybe nineteen will be better.

Currently I am sick, my face is all broken out, I have a huge scrape on my chin, bags under my eyes the size of Texas, a sprained wrist, a fucked up foot, a headache, I thoroughly enjoy finding ways to piss someone off, and my favourite uncle's fiance's Greek mom thinks I'm gorgeous and an angel.

It would be nice if people got to know me, but then again I guess it would be nice if I told the same story to everyone.

Have fun trying to figure me out when I'm dead.

interests

julian koster, orchids, being really nice to you, talking to you, righting, wronging, bottles, singing, drawing, making shitty noise songs, saving up money, finding new glasses because i hate these ones, a bright red sweater with big red buttons, not doing drugs this summer or ever again, drinking, india ink, soft lips, swedish fish, not eating meat, biking, melodica, dresses and tights, being an electrician, rain, having lots of interests for a while, drafting tables, having a comfortable bed, trains, junk drums, reading, sleeping, breathing, davis square, impressing you for some reason, hating you, liking you, composing, decomposing, the lapsing in the cadence of your breath, writing, gardening, circuit bending, table mending, rockit sending, aeroplane lending, old phones, old clothes, old shoes, redyellowblue, you, the goddamn batman, guitar, ukulele, boxes, stacking books, vinyl, keggers, all nigthers, being with friends, being without friends, snooze buttons, having everything in common, we should be friends, junk jazz, sleeping on your floor, complaining about my height, being taller than two people, cooking for you, guys named dan or tom, people in hats, singing saws, bent banjos, rabbits in hats, cigar boxes, stacks of books or dvds or tapes or vinyl or cds, fixing your electronics for a reasonable price or a hug, board games, mind games, matt moro's brothers, matt moro's family, not really matt moro, neatly folded underwear, power tools, welding, cereal

i am no life nothing have

I found some ink the other day. India ink. It smells really nice but gets all over everything. I forgot how to play guitar badly and am learning how to play it goodly and also not like a ukulele because that doesn't work. I ate drank ate drank a whole little bottle nottle bottle of hot sauce HOT SAUCE earlier and it did nothing but made me sad. I am the spice master. And as such, I must be very good at being sad and pretending to be happy and I am really good at doing those two things these days. My iPod is under the Sims 2 case. And I need to be awake in 6 hours but I can't sleep so how could I possibly be awake in 6 hours. To call Nina. How could I possibly ever be awake when I'm never asleep but never awake. I found a hat today in my brother's stuff my brother had a big head, I don't know if it might have shrunk since he has been in prison, I don't know if drugs give you a big head and maybe being off them makes it go back to regular size. Anyway, my brother had a big head and big heads require big hats so all his hats are really large (actually, that's the size that reads on the tags: really large) so they all look big and floppy and silly on me which is exactly what I have always desired but didn't know it in a hat. Actually I didn't know that I wanted a hat at all but I guess it did. I guess it's one step closer to being a grandfather. I am so moderately tired right now that I could or couldn't sleep. My lips are tingling. I started doing this dancing workout DVD today that I found in my things from school. Things are really looking up, I think. 

this is a poem from your words

Your orders as such begin; 
Only when I dream, but there's no way out 
back in the days when the battles raged. 

The best in men's clothing, 
We resolve to meet.
Strange breed, rangefinder. 

Did I drive you away? 
Just because I don't say anything? 

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
Any old chance I get I'm gonna marry you 
What's the use in dying?
I had a dream: 
You are my sweetest downfall. 

There's a place I know where we can go, 
I got pulled out by the tide. 

I want to write something beautiful, 
I'm beginning to see the light. 
I will not give up on you. 
I'd love to be with you. 
That means no, 

In the morning. 

I mean

I think I am totally okay with this, I think anyway but now I'm just not really sure what you want from me. Or like what you've ever wanted from me. 

Also yeast infection. 

for some reason

i decided to robotrip

bad idea

like

worst idea maybe

i am drunk

sex is  a weird thing to think about. blood is also weird or maybe just thinking is weird or maybe just  beubf being really fucking alome alone is weird. u i ran into lindsey parker tonight and that was weird she kisseed me on the cheek drunk people when you;re nit uite quite dre drunk yet are great

this is hiow i cope (with being alone):

i just pretend this is how it's always been. luke i've lways have this while whole place to myself and never had to share and this is just like my place. and the feeling of being used has always been there.and like erin has always hated everyone. it;s easier that way. to just prtetend there's neem been no change 

i' can;r really see right no at all ad i'm really drinl drunk and you hate me right now

y'all juice pox